am I only the one you love?
by fandrastic
Summary: she thinks it would be beautiful here if she wasn't so sad. sam & spencer


**disclaimer: the author owns nothing that you recognize**

sam & spencer (for the weak of constitution)

title lyrics lovingly borrowed from _The One You Love _by Rufus Wainwright

x

* * *

_i'm trying, trying to tell you_

_all that i can in a sweet and velvet tongue_

_but no words ever could sell you_

_sell you on me after all that i have done_

_**the one you love—rufus wainwright**_

**

* * *

**

It's not until she's twenty-two years old that Sam Puckett realizes that she has no ambition.

She'd like to have a passion for something productive (_there's only so much joy she can get out of cutting people off on the expressway_), but instead she finds herself stuck in an entry level job she hates, with a faded used car she hates, in a crappy apartment she hates. She thinks she'd like Seattle more if she had a reason to stay.

(_dimly she thinks she's too young to be this angry_)

Carly is getting married in four months to some yuppie from Santa Barbara with a Mercedes and a faultless smile. Freddie's debating on popping the question to the brainy redhead he met at MIT. Spencer's still dating (_half-heartedly_) and sculpting (_more frequently_) and sending her sporadic text messages.

(_they make her laugh and smile even when they're not really that funny_)

She thinks that they fit, but only in the way that they don't seem to fit in anywhere else.

* * *

Carly gets married in May and Freddie's already engaged and Spencer cries a little and Sam wonders how soon she can get her hands on some champagne.

She's happy for Carly and Freddie (_and so very proud of them_), but she can't help but wonder when she got so far behind everyone else. Spencer's eyes are faraway and she wonders if he's thinking the same thing.

(_the champagne takes the edge off the weight of her thoughts_)

She thinks that they fit, but only in the way that they've both lost track of things.

* * *

She quits her job. It's probably not her brightest move, but she feels empowered in a way that she hasn't felt in far too long. Carly's words are encouraging while Freddie's are concerned but hopeful and Spencer gives her a look that shows her that he understands (_but she doesn't know how on earth he could_).

She wants to travel but she doesn't think she has the money for it. She does it anyway.

Carly wants lots of postcards and Freddie wants lots of pictures and Spencer doesn't say anything and Sam thinks that if he'd open his mouth and give her a reason to stay, she just might.

But he doesn't and she doesn't and she leaves him a note by his bed.

(_if he reads it, maybe he'll understand and if he doesn't, maybe things will never change_)

She thinks that they fit, but only in the way that they both refuse to go first.

* * *

The world is both terribly big and awfully small (_she gets sick in Dresden and laughs 'oh, I could die here and no one would know'_) and she thinks it would be beautiful here if she wasn't so sad. Carly writes and Freddie e-mails and Spencer leaves a message on her voicemail that's hard to understand (_and yet easy to at the same time_).

But she worries she'll come back to Seattle and nothing will change. So she stays away.

Carly sends a letter of mixed messages (_'I'm pregnant!' '...Spencer's hardly sculpting anymore…'_) and she feels ecstatic and curious (_with the familiar undertones of survivor's guilt_) but she tucks the letter (_and her feelings_) away. As much as she loves Carly like a sister, she's never been more envious in her life. And she knows Spencer's plight can hardly be her doing; she's never been able to have that effect on anyone before.

(_no one worries much over the consolation prize_)

She thinks that they fit, but only in the way that they both know how to give up.

* * *

In Athens, she meets a boy (_a man_) that she thinks she could love (_but his hands are too soft and his words are too syrupy_) and she finds herself missing the rain in all of this Grecian heat.

She thinks about calling Spencer, calling him and saying to him what she wants to be the truth ('_I don't think I need to ever come back'_) and she picks up the phone to do so (_even though she's much too old to be playing these games_).

But Spencer speaks first and tells her what he knows to be the truth ('_I miss you, and if I asked you to come back, would you?'_) and she caves in the only way she knows how (_'Would you give me a reason to?'_).

She knows the moment has turned achingly honest when he answers emphatically (_'Yes, please come home'_) and thinks that now is a perfectly acceptable moment to shed tears. So she does and catches the next flight back to Seattle.

(_it's as close to storybook perfect as she'll allow_)

She thinks that they fit, but only in the way that they've never really wanted to fit anywhere else.

* * *

please please _please_ let me know what you think~

x

fandrastic


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